Thirty five years...

And thirty five lessons...?

This month I turned thirty five. Not that consequential- people turn thirty five all the time- but a good round number that I thought I could craft an essay out of. (I am one of those people who used to stop the petrol pump on a full, round number when filling up my car- whether the tank was full or not. I have trained myself out of this habit- and it is liberating!- but for anyone who does similar, you understand the thrill of a good, solid number. Right?)

It will not be one of those “thirty five lessons I have learnt in my thirty five years” type posts, because I don’t actually think I could come up with that many succint and worthwhile wisdom nuggets. But I have learned a few things. I’ve been here for a third of a century, it would be somewhat concerning if I hadn’t accumulated any wisdom at all. (Though in saying that, one of the things I learn over and over again is how much I don’t know even when I am certain I do. But I am much less certain these days, also.)

I’ve learnt to cook, and I’ve learnt to bake. Useful skills, certainly. And while I have worked in pastry kitchens and in cafe kitchens and even briefly studied patisserie, I have learnt more from just doing it. And reading heaps and heaps of cookbooks. But mainly practice. Practice makes improvement (perfect doesn’t exist, so lets make this truism a little more true).

I’ve learnt accepted that I am never going to take the most conventional path. I am still learning that this is okay and I can, actually, back myself and believe in the less conventional choices I make. Trusting yourself is a hard fucking thing to do. I think it is probably one of the most important.

I’ve accepted that I don’t like small talk. (If you have met me, this will probably be unsurprising.) I’m not a weirdo (I am a bit weird). I’m not shy. I just find it exruciatingly dull and kind of a waste of time. In fact, I am so bad at it that I can’t even think of a single example of small talk to write about here… I am, however, always happy to get into a meaty conversation about just about anything with just about anyone. As you can imagine, I found waiting outside the classroom for my daughter at school pick-up- PRIME small talk zone- to be quite terrible.

I am learning to accept myself. How good is getting older!

I’ve learnt that my grief lives just below the surface and I know this because lots of things make me cry these days. Kind, unkind, unimaginable things. All of it. I’ve accepted that the future looks like living with this grief, as a constant. This grief for what could have been and for the different lives so many people could have had and the future we all could have had, this will never go away but that doesn’t mean we stop living. I am learning to coexist with both pain and joy at the same time. I am learning that it is not only okay to still seek beauty, it is vital. It is not only okay to still create simply for the act of creation, it is vital.

I am learning that we are going to have to fight. We all are. As someone who has had an easy life, this requires effort. Recalibration. I know now that whatever I thought the future might look like, it is going to look different. But there is still so much worth fighting for on this planet. We must get comfrotable with rebellion. Let’s do it.

I have learnt what it is I want to pass on to my children, and it is not obedience, passivity, “niceness”, or concession to power. Not that I ever really thought it was. But it seems more vital than ever that my children grow up with a strong sense of curiosity, creativity, and care. And a healthy disregard for ‘rules’ for the sake of rules. And a strong practice of critical thinking. I am now learning how it is I actually ensure that this happens…

There are other things I have picked up along the way too. Like the importance of comfortable shoes, and snacks. That a good book is true gift and that if you can leave your phone at home, you probably should. That if I am going to continue being an omnivore, I am going to have to become comfortable with the idea of killing an animal myself. That when you have little kids it is really good to have furniture that is not in any way sentimental or fragile and is enhanced by random texta marks and crumbs. That when you have little kids, crumbs are an inevitable constant that you must make peace with. That the more you learn about the way the world works, the angrier you will probably become. But also, the more you learn about the intrinsic nature of humans to be kind and good, the more of a balm this will be against this fucking nightmare of colonial capitalist patriarchal imperialism we have all found ourselves in.

I have learnt that I love to share things I love with my people. So here are three books I have read recently that I wholeheartedly recommend. You should read them. And also a link for a new (to us) favourite meat free dinner and a link for a really wonderful apple cake (especially if you can get a variety of good cooking apples) for those of us currently enjoying autumn.

BOOKS

The Empusium is a really, really, really good book. Olga Tokarczuk is an incredible writer. I read another book of hers years ago and I still think about it.

I loved You Are Here for completely different reasons but it has also been one of my very favourite books from the last year. I think I read it in two days? You’ll love it.

And. The Serviceberry. A beautiful little book that is a zoomed in look at one of the stories from Robin Wall-Kimmerer’s best-selling Braiding Sweetgrass. I whole-heartedly recommend both of these books. The Serviceberry is a nice introduction to her writing, and is very apt for this whacko timeline we are living in.

FOODS

These meat-free meatballs from Molly Yeh’s first book have been on rotation in our house over the last little while, so if you haven’t yet made them I suggest that you do so soon. I won’t lie- the kids are not fans. But we simply serve them separate to the tomato sauce then everyone can DIY their own perfect bowl of pasta.

And finally, if you are lucky enough to have your own productive apple tree or to live near a good farmer’s market, this is a cake recipe to be copied down and kept safe. It is beautifully simple and, as with most French recipes, relies on banging produce. Worth seeking out Bramleys and Cox’s for this one.